Thursday, August 2, 2007


I don't feel like writing today. I am feeling about as low down as a person can. I didn't get the job. (actually there were TWO openings and I didn't get either!) I have over 2 years in that district, glowing recommendations from the Principals and department head, and damn it - I'm a good teacher! But you know what? I saw the other two candidates. (There were 3 of us and I was the loser...) They were young and cute and skinny. They couldn't have been more than early 20's - fresh out of school. And I'm....old.

I'm not going to obsess about it all over my blog here. But it sure does smart when you know you are highly qualified but just not "young" enough. Or thin enough.

So you're probably thinking I ran home and raided the fridge. Nope. When I get depressed I lose my appetite. Unfortunately when the cloud lifts I'll find it back. I always do....

On a lighter note - or perhaps heavier note would be more appropriate.....I had a major moment yesterday that really made me think about my weight and what it's doing to me. We had set the old canvas tent up in the back yard to air it out before a trip we're taking to the mountains this weekend for a family reunion. It hasn't been set up in at least 6 or 7 years. Well, last night I took it down. By myself. Not a real feat. I've done it tons of times in the 25 years we've had it. Only this time it was different. When I bent over to fold it I couldn't. My fat was in the way. I felt like such a fool. Thank goodness no one was watching. All of a sudden I felt so encumbered by my weight that I wanted to die! I realized that in the past 6-7 years I've gained a heck of a lot of weight! I huffed and groaned and tottered around like a freaking whale trying to fold the damn thing.

So I'm at a real crossroads here. I was feeling so positive the past several months. Watching the scale move - however slight - making constructive changes in the way I eat and move. And now I'm feeling as fat as ever - I have no job prospect in the fall which means no income this winter (and hubby's business is such that he makes $ in the summer but winter is lean.) And we're building this new addition that all but equals a new house. Gheesh. I feel like crap. And my hormones are going bazooka on me. The inevitable "change" has begun (and I thought PMS was bad!)

I'm guessing (hoping) tomorrow I'll feel better. I've been crying most of the day since I got the phone call.... The guy that made the call actually had the audacity to say....."Gee, this is a hard call! We feel that there's been such a loyalty here between you and the district...I hope this doesn't feel like a slap in the face....." On no Sir. It feels more like a kick in the gut but thanks for asking. Jerk!

Okay. Gotta' go and lick my wounds some more. But I'm NOT going to use food as my salve. (I keep telling myself that God has a plan here and I need to trust Him.) I'm trying. Truly I am!


Ash said...

Wow. What can I say? It's tomorrow now; do things look any brighter?
I'm sure that intellectually you know that there may be something just around the corner, something close at hand for you to do instead of the job you wanted. Emotionally--another matter. A disappointment is a "death" of a dream, and grieving is OK. Don't beat yourself up for your quite natural reaction. Then--look elsewhere.
Yay for not turning to food for solace.

Christine said...

Sorry to hear about the job thing. Keep positive on the weight thing too - you are doing great - think about that and only that.

*ccc* said...

I'm sorry to hear things with the job didn't work out, but please please please don't think you didn't get the job because of your weight or your age. You never know what is going on or what people want when they're looking for a job candidate, but I really don't think it had anything to do with your age or weight. Who knows what else it was, but do not beat yourself up over that!!!

I hope you're feeling a little better and enjoying your trip. I'll keep you in my thoughts...perhaps some little surprise will come you way, work wise...