Groovy Musings!

Before you wonder what decade that pic is from....it's last weekend. We were invited to a 60's theme party to celebrate my broher-in-law's 60th birthday. (Egads - Am I old enough to have a brother-in-law that old??)

It's almost Spring! At least that's what the calendar says. I live in Upstate New York so it's anybody's guess what season we're really in right now! Only here can it be blizzarding one day and finding daffodils poking out the next. Yesterday it was snowing. Today it's supposed to be in the 50's. Kind of like that new fitness craze called "muscle confusion" only here it's weather confusion.

That said I'll be heading off to Fort Myers (where the sun always shines) in 13 days. My 2 sisters, sister-in-law and a friend are accompanying me as we head for a little well needed R&R (sans the hubsters) for a 4 day vacation. While I'm still not at all happy about donning a bathing suit (or anything that will show all my winter-white skin) I am excited that my weight watchers experience is paying off handsomely. I joined on January 12 (8 weeks ago) and have tipped the scales at a negative 15 pounds so far! I'm finding the new Points Plus Program to be very do-able. I still have a long way to go to reach my goal but I've been aiming for 5 pound increments and finding that to be a very acheivable way to hit the marks.

The new house is actually getting somewhere. Hubby has been working hard and the end is truly in sight. I estimate we'll have a working kithen in about a week. I'm going to pick out the carpeting this weekend. Yay!

I haven't been attacking the gym latley - mostly due to my daughter's new work schedule which has me scooting right home after work to watch junior. Aside from the fact that I really need to get in there and tone these muscles - it's also killing me that I'm paying $30/month for something that I'm not using. I hate gym memberships. They muscled me into a 2 year contract and now I'm stuck. Unless I move or become incapacitated.

Note to self and others: if you decide to join a gym - find one that doesn't have a contract!! My daughter pays $10 a month for a "pay-as-you-go" membership. I should've shopped around...

Speaking of daughters - youngest told me yesterday that she & hubby have decided to start a family! I promised not to tell anyone but the blogosphere doesn't count. (does it?)

Ciao all and I'll try to be back sooner next time!

Well Look Who's Here!

So Christmas came and went in our house (or should I say the OLD house) and I didn't even decorate. Well, almost. I gave in begrudgingly the week before Christmas and stuck a 2 foot fiber optic jobber in the front window. And lit a snowman candle that I got as a gift the week before.

You see, hubby promised me that the new house would be finished by this Christmas. When did he promise me this you say? Why, last year as I was taking down the decorations. The very same decorations that I swore I would not put up if we weren't in the new house LAST year!

It's not that I'm this nagging prima dona who throws a hissy fit if she doesn't get her own way. Truly I'm not. I'm actually quite patient. And for those of you who have following my blog for several years - you will recall that I have been waiting for quite some time!

So this year I stuck to my guns. When October rolled around (the month he said he'd start working on it again) and nothing happened....I began the subtle threats. When November arrived and he still had not lifted a hammer....I laid out the stakes. No Christmas in the new place...no Christmas here either. (Not really no Christmas) just no Christmas decorations.

You see - I have been living out of boxes for 2 years. My walls are bare because all the decor has been taken down and stored. My living room has no furniture because we gave it to my daughter because hubby said we would be moving soon. We had to go to my middle daughter's house Christmas morning because this house wasn't suitable to entertain in. It hasn't been in 2 years.

People are beginning to cite me for sainthood. They want to know why I'm not going crazy over all this. Well...ahem...I sort of am! It's not that one can't have Christmas without all the trappings. One can - and we did. Jesus is the reason and we managed to remember and embrace that fact. It was just so...so...frustrating!

Fortunately for all concerned (mostly him because I was ready to toss him out in a snow bank) he has finally (FINALLY) found his groove again and is working on the house. I am not making any claims as to when we will be in there. But at least he's in there doig something!

Other that that - life has been busy. Now that I'm working (it's been a whole year now!) I just don't find the time to blog like I used to. (But I think about it a lot.) And I'm not ready to hang up my keyboard just yet. (I guess there has been a lack of motivation in more places than just one in our household these days.)

So I joined Weight Watchers last night. They gave me this cute little blue calculator the size of a compact to track my points. I get 29 a day. I have one left for today. Not bad. I am cautiously optimistic this may be the ticket. I've proven to myself time and again that I need accountability.

Anyhoo....that's what I've been up to. I'll try to be more faithful! (oh and yes...I have been going to the gym. Now and then...)

Joy and Tragedy.....

So where have I been? I don't know! The time has been flying by faster than can keep track of. Days slip into weeks.... Weeks into months... And now it's autumn already and I didn't even notice summer. Well, that's not totally accurate. Summer was awesome - the BEST weather I can remember in years! And I did manage to eek out a few extended stays at the lake. And I did manage to stay faithful to the gym and lost 11 pounds and a bunch of inches!

But mainly - this summer was focused on THE WEDDING. My oldest tied the knot on September 18th. So the past few months have been steeped in wedding plans. Now I am finally breathing a sigh of relief that it's all over and I can focus on....finishing the house in time for Christmas! (I know. I know!) To those of you who have been with my for the past several years - we have been trying to finish the new house in time for Christmas since 2007! But this year (you heard it here folks!) it WILL be done!

The thing is...I'm not all that consumed with it. Used to be, I was re-arranging the yet to be purchased furniture in my head....determining where to hang all the new pictures my kids have been giving me as gifts the past few years in anticipation of the big move...and nagging hubby to just (as the Nike commercial says) DO IT! But as of late...I'm not in such a hurry. Because life is happening all around me and moving into the new house is just another chapter. And to be honest....the pages have been turning much too quickly lately. The frailty of life has been knocking at my door and I right now - change is the last thing on my mind.

Five months ago my brother-in-law took his own life. It rocked us all to the core. And this past week - his brother's wife was stabbed to death - by her own son. The boy was in his early 20s and was schizophrenic. never any indications of violence...and he truly loved his mom. We can't understand it and will probably spend the rest of our lives trying to wrap our minds around it. After killing his mom - he stabbed himself several times in the neck. He is in the hospital as I write this. Poor Bob... In the span of 5 months he lost his brother, his wife and even his son - who, though he will recover from his wounds - will ultimately be locked away somewhere for a very long time... And Mark - his son. He found them. He's only 25. How does one that young recover from such a tragedy...save the grace of God.

So I've been thinking a lot lately. And realizing that awful things don't just happen to other people. And I'm feeling a lot more compassionate to the nameless faces I see in the news now. And realizing that everyday - in some way - someone is hurting. Makes me want to spend a lot more time on my knees. And a lot more time looking up. To the only One who truly has the answers.

Please pray for Bob and Mark....their very foundations have been shattered this past week. And pray for Kurt. He will live with what he did for the rest of his life. I can not judge. I will not judge. Only God can do that. I can only pray and continue to praise the One who holds all things together... in the midst of this terrible storm.

On a happier note (because in spite of the sadness - there have been some happy times....) I've posted some pics from the wedding.

hugs *

Lora

5 Weeks Later....

So it's been 5 weeks since I joined the gym and I can proudly say I have been attending faithfully! Except for the week I spent at the lake (well...10 days there actually) I've gone at least 3x a week and sometimes 4. And the week at the lake I did a lot of walking and swimming (actually swam across the lake 3 times...with my noodle of course!) So I've been pretty active ~ more so than in a long time!

I've only managed to drop 5 pounds, but my shape is changing. Not dramatically - but enough to encourage me to keep at it! I have to drive right by the gym each afternoon when I leave work so it's hard to not go. Yesterday I drove right by and then turned around and went back. Good girl, Lora!

I plug in my earphones and watch Dr. Phil while I'm on the treadmill and then move on to the machines. There are people bigger than me and smaller than me so I don't feel all that self-conscious. Back in the day when you went to the gym it was a fashion parade. You know - the high cut leotards, tight, leg-warmers and headbands. (see pic!) Thanks goodness we've progressed to being more dedicated to our health than our outfits!

Yesterday I read a quote on Spark-People from a member that said "I am a work in progress...and if I want to progress - I have to work!" That's gonna' be my new mantra!

Last Saturday I went to the beach with my youngest daughter. It was so much fun! We brought some lunch and spread out our towels and soaked up the sunshine in between dips in the lake because it was so hot! Tuesday night I went out to dinner with my 2 sisters and sister-in-law. We found a nice restaurant overlooking the lake and ate outside. I just love summer! And last night I went yet once again to the lake with 6 of my old high school friends to a nice outdoor restaurant that overlooked the harbour. I grew up less than 10 minutes from Lake Ontario and yet never seem to get there enough. And now 3 times in one week! Yoohoo!

I can't believe it's almost August. Where has the summer gone? I ave 2 more trips to the cottage (this on a smaller lake - not one of the Great Lakes!) my class reunion and then my daughter's wedding. And then the night air will start getting a nip in it, the leaves will begin to turn color and I'll find myself wearing a sweater to work. I love fall too - but fall always comes with winter on it's heels...and we all know how I hate snow!

But until then - I'm going to enjoy the sunshine!

Happy Dad's Day and other ramblings...

It's Father's Day and guess where I am? Sitting in my office at work.....killing time. I had to visit a church today on this side of town (1/2 hour from home) for a volunteer recruitment gig and had a big lapse between services so I came here.

It's quiet...and it's nice to get to visit with the volunteers that come here on weekends. I never really get to meet the folks who come during the hours I'm not here except on the phone - so this is nice. Except that I'm wearing a skirt and high heels and all I can think about is getting them off and jumping into my shorts and flip flops!

We're having the family over for a picnic this afternoon. Hubby is setting up the big blowup water slide we bought last year for the kids and the weather is supposed to cooperate!

So.....on Friday I drove past the gym that is down the street from where I work for the umpteenth time and decided this time that I would stop in and check out that special they have going for summer. An hour later I walked out with a 2 year contract and a promise from the 102 pound gal that talked me into it - that in 4-6 weeks she's have me seeing results.

Heaven knows I certainly have some motivating factors in my life to make me want to do this. Um...wait a minute. I think I've been saying that for several years now.... but really - I do! My Class reunion is coming up in August and I can't possibly skip it. It's being hosted at my house! We have the big yard - pavilion - outdoor bathroom and kitchen - so we can easily accommodate everyone.... So there's motivator #1. Then there's my daughter's wedding in September. When the other 2 got married 4 years ago (in a double wedding) I vowed I would lose weight. I thought I'd lost enough to at least look okay - but when the pictures came back - I looked like a giant blueberry. So the Sept. wedding is motivator #2. Moving on to #3 - this one is a ways off - but I'm hoping that it will keep me accountable for any weight I do manage to take off. My sisters and I are going to Florida again in March. To celebrate another milestone birthday like we did last fall.

So I'm hoping to keep me relationship with afore mentioned gym. I'm in it for 2 years - so I'd better! Besides - flashbacks from my traumatic shopping trip last week to buy a swimsuit should keep me going.

I swear....I'm getting to the point where I should be needing to take a Valium before that kind of a shopping trip. Not that I take Valium - but it sure would've helped! Anyway - found a suit that helped camouflage my lesser features (or maybe "greater" would be a more fitting desciptor?) forked over the money and left. That probably explains the reason my car turned into the parking lot of the gym last Friday.

I'll keep you posted.

Happy Father's Day ~ enjoy!

Saying Goodbye When You Don't Want To....

Shortly after I wrote my last post one of those life altering events occurred in my life...the kind that causes you to mark time in a before and after mode. As I get older my life seems to get categorized into chunks of time. Like before and after the month I lost my parents. Or before and after my husband died. And now it's been divided even further. Into before and after my brother-in-law took his own life.

No one knew the pain and torment he was going through. Until it was too late. The saga began with his disappearance..a week of searching....and my sister finding him moments before he put a gun into his mouth and ended his torment.

And now we are all left with the all of the unanswerable questions that plague the survivors after a suicide. Our lives have been shaken to the core. We walk through our days in a fog as we try to manage our grief. So many emotions. Guilt... Sadness... Anger... Denial... My brother-in-law was my late husband's best friend. Way before my sister and I came into their lives.

This is one of those time where words aren't flowing as easily as they usually do. I just felt the need to explain my absence and ask for a few prayers. For my sister. For her three children.

Thanks...

Thinking of My Mother....

Yesterday was a rather surreal day. It was one of those days where God was working behind the scenes but revealed enough of Himself to let me know He was there. I'll preface with a little history....

The year was 1976. I was a freshman in college and dirt poor. All college students are, right? Mother's Day was coming up and I wanted to give my mom something special but had no money. So I wrote her a poem. Hokey....yes. But it was from the heart. Really. I typed it up on my little manual typewriter (there were no word processors back then) on several half-sheets of onion skin typing paper and taped them all together to make a scroll. She loved it.

Flash forward to 1997. Mom has just died and my sisters and I are standing in her bedroom trying to absorb her lingering scent, touch her clothes, handle the pretty figurines on her dresser...anything to connect with her somehow while her essence is still in this room. In a few short hours we will go to her calling hours with my dad.

I open the top middle drawer on her bureau and there I find a bunch of letters and notes and cards all held together with a rubber band. Some letters from my dad, a note to the tooth fairy from my little sister, various cards from over the years.....and my little scrolled poem from that Mother's Day 21 years before. I read it through my tears and clutch it to my heart. The words I'd penned meant even more now. Now that I was a mother myself. Now that she was gone.

I stuff it quickly in my purse because we are late and head off to the funeral home. I think of putting the little scroll in with her in the casket but decide to keep it. Between viewings we head off to a restaurant with the aunts and uncles for dinner. It is there that I realize it is gone! I call the funeral home frantically and ask them to check for it. I go through the restaurant with a fine tooth comb. I search my car. It's nowhere and in the delicacy of my grief at that moment I feel utterly crushed. That night I drive back to the parking lot of the restaurant and search with a flash light. Nothing. It's gone. Forever.

There was reporter in our local paper at that time named Carol Ritter. She wrote a folksy column about everyday happenings and often specialized in helping her readers locate things. An old recipe, a certain antique...stuff like that. So I write to her and plead my case. Could she please ask her readers to watch out for my little scroll if the found it? And if someone had found it - could they please send it back to me? She didn't answer my letter so after a week or so I called and left a message. I received a call back on my answering machine the next day. Very curt and to the point. "I don't do last and found anymore." For several years after that, I couldn't look at her picture next to her column without being a little mad.

Flash forward another thirteen years. Last month I am at my organization's annual fundraising gala. Because I am one of the key staff members, hubby and I are seated at the table with the guest speakers. One of the speakers, who does the auction part of the evening is none other than- Carol Ritter! All of the memories come rushing back. Here I am sitting face to face with this woman and I want so bad to tell her about my little scroll. And how she could've helped but she didn't. But I don't. Because that was so long ago and I know she wouldn't remember anyway. Besides, I'd come to terms with the fact that the words I'd penned those many years ago were lost and it really wasn't her fault. So I'm cordial and I smile and make small talk. But the little scroll has once again found a way into the corners of my mind and I think of it...and mom.

So now it's yesterday. I am cleaning out some stuff in the basement in anticipation of our future move. I lug out my old hope chest that has not been opened in over 16 years - since the last move. It's all dusty and musty but I plod through it and spend way more time than I need to - handling all it's contents gently as I revisit the past. Old corsages from proms...love letters from the guy I almost married....pay stubs from my first job back in 1973 (I was making $1.65 an hour!)...lots of loose pictures....notes scratched on napkins......matchbooks....a notebook with magazine pictures taped to its pages of furniture that I wanted to decorate my house with when I married aforementioned boyfriend. Ghastly stuff in lime green and orange! (it was the 70's - what can I say?)

Then way back in the corner of the bottom drawer I find a wad of notebook paper all crumbled up. There are two sheets and one is torn in half. Something I must've meant to throw away at one time but decided not to and stuffed it into the hope chest. As I gently unroll the wad I see that it is the rough draft of the poem I'd written for mom 34 years ago! It was all there - every line! I thought I'd never see those words again! Reminiscent of the last time I came across that poem - I clutch the wad of paper to my heart and whisper a thank you to God.

The surreal part of it all....that after all these years I'd run into Carol Ritter again and think about the poem once more. That this would all happen so very close to Mother' Day....and that I would find my precious poem....on the eve of the anniversary of Mom's death. You see, she went to be with Jesus 13 years ago today. And I miss her so very much.

So here's the poem. A little hokey (like I mentioned) but I was only 18....

A Prayer for Mother's Day

Not a day goes by I do not pray

And thank the Lord above

For the mother that he's given me

Her thoughts, her words, her love.

I thank Him for the way she has

Of making each day brighter

Understanding all my cares and fears

So that my burdens might be lighter.

And I thank Him for the times we have

To sit and talk a while

Whether arguing or whispering

Through tears or through a smile.

And then I'll sit and think a bit

Of How she'll give and never take

How she'll do it in her children's names

and for her children's' sake.

Then I'll think of all the worries

And the problems she must bear

But there's always time enough for us

Time enough to care.

And she never seems too busy

Never seems too worn

To lend an ear or helping hand

Whenever I'm forlorn.

She'll just look at me and smile

And then through loving eyes

She'll answer all my questions

All the who's - the what's - the whys.

And I'll just sit and listen

When all at once I'll see

There's not a greater friend in all the world

As this woman here by me.

For there's no one I trust more than her

In who I can confide

And know that through the thick of it

She'll be ever at my side.

No one else could be so patient

No one else could be so true

No one else could ever understand

The way that mothers do.

So I'll repent for all the wasted times

In vain I always fought her

And will remember always God

She's my mother - I'm her daughter.

And though others may spend all their lives

Searching the whole world round

The mother that they're looking for

Has already been found.

And maybe when she read this

She'll cry and make a fuss

But that's just another of her special ways

Of saying she loves us.

And I can't think of a better time

Or a better way to say

How very much she means to me

Than on her special day.

So here's to a Happy Mother's Day

May God hold you in his palm

And may you never have to ask me

Just how much I love you, Mom!