Wednesday, February 28, 2007

I Hate My Body!

Well...let me take that back. I don't really hate my body. My body is an intricately awesome creation of God that defies explanation. It can think and feel and touch and smell and and taste (that one gets me into trouble) and do all sorts of marvelous things!! It's the SHAPE of my body that I hate!

I'm a pear! I've always been a pear. And from what I've read on the subject - I'll always be a pear. Why me? Why couldn't I be something less...bottom heavy? They say it's healthier than being an apple. Why did God make us women to look like fruit anyway? I know...I have to make peace with the fact that I will always have "hips" no matter what weight I get down to. And I guess if they're smaller hips than they are right now (read: LOTS smaller) I will be happy.

The really sad thing right now though is - since I put on the last 15 pounds (the ones that brought me to my current blubbery weight) I look more like a fruit bowl. Like my bottom is a pear and my middle is an apple and my arms are bananas and my thighs look like I have grapes stuffed under my skin. *sigh*

I have this idea though. Perhaps, just perhaps my body is rebelling because I don't eat enough fruit. I've never been a fruit person. So maybe if I eat more of it I'll look less like it! Hmmm....I could be onto something here.

Which brings me to my latest weekly challenge for myself. I will eat at least one piece of fruit per day. In its natural form.

On a lighter note - I really DO feel better now that I'm exercising! Think I'll go have an orange.

Is There Such Thing as a Mini-Binge?

I don't binge like I used to. But I'm pretty sure I still "mini-binge" if there's such a thing. After my second daughter was born - that's when I started to do the real thing thing. My husband played in a band six nights a week so I was always alone at night. Food became my companion. And my binge of choice was pretty simple and straight forward. I would get a BIG bag of peanut m&m's, a 2 liter bottle of diet coke and the TV remote. I didn't usually finish the bag, but ate enough that I felt pretty yucky. And I always polished off what was left the next morning with my coffee. And the pounds crept on. I started to center my alone time around food. Pretty soon food became my "friend" in other ways. Like if I had a fight with my husband. Or a friend. The food was always there for me. I would plan these big elaborate feasts to eat all by my lonesome.

But over the years I stopped that. The big pig-out sessions. Now I have "mini-binges". It's like I'll eat a normal meal or have a little snack and then decided that maybe I need just a little more. Which always translates into a lot more. Not a full fledged binge - but enough that the evidence walks around with me everyday in the form of an extra 50 pounds.

So yesterday....I had a little mini-binge. I made these pizza roll things for my grandson and he didn't like them. So I ate them. The whole box. All 410 calories worth. And because I felt guilty about that - I hit the Ferraro Rochers and ate 4. I know some of you are saying "Girl - you don't know what a BINGE is!" I do. That's why I call this one a mini. But the minis add up. And I'm frustrated with myself. And I didn't do my strength training and cardio yesterday either.

So this morning I'm feeling like "why bother". I need someone to tell me not to quit. I know there are lurkers out there. I can tell when my blog's been "hit". I lurk too. Surf around and visit sites and don't leave a comment. But I really, really need a buddy to help me through this.

I'm not giving up. Because I hate how I look! I was invited to a party for a friend's 50th birthday a few weeks ago. This was a friend from high school that I hadn't seen in many years. Her husband was trying to round up her old friends for a "this is your life" type party and I made up an excuse not to go. Because I was so ashamed of how I looked and didn't want to be at that party with all those old friends I hadn't seen in so long and know that they would all be whispering about me. Saying, "what a shame - she really let her self go - she was so pretty in high school..." I just couldn't face that. And I realized when I declined the party that my weight was ruling my life. And ruining it. And I determined not to let it anymore.

So that's why it would help if someone just left a note and said "DO bother! Don't give up! I did it! You can do it too! Or we'll do it together!"

Okay. I feel better now. Sort of.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

I Hate My Scale!

I hate my bathroom scale. Because it lies. Not because it says I weigh too much. I hate it because it doesn't tell the whole story.
It doesn't tell that when I have a 3 pound gain in one day it's because it's that time of the month and I'm retaining water. It doesn't tell that when I have a 3 pound loss in one day it's because all I've lost is water. It doesn't tell that even though I may be losing fat - I'm gaining muscle.

All it tells me is that my overall disposition for the day rides on those three little red numbers that flash in my face each morning as I stand buck naked on it in the shivering cold, before I've started a fire in the wood stove and before I've had my first sip of hot coffee (but always after I've peed of course.) Every ounce counts. Or does it?
Why do I care so much about about the numbers on the scale? Do I need them to tell me I'm fat and my black dress pants (circa FAT WARDROBE) are now officially uncomfortable? I know that without stepping on it. On the same token do I need it to tell me that the good food choices I've made the past few days are having an effect? That some of my fat is indeed melting? I know that without stepping on it too. When I can zip up those same black dress pants with ease and have room to spare. And yet ~ I will still dutifully climb on every morning to see how well I'm doing.

The thing is - I know how well I'm doing! I know if I exercised or not. I know if I overate. I guess it's that tangible proof we need that makes it so important. We want something we can see, something we can record to show us that yes, we are making progress. So I'm keeping the scale. But I'm not hinging my success on it. I'll record what I've lost. Just to keep myself going. But the real measurement of success won't be when I reach that magical 135. I may never. It will be when I can slip into that little black dress. It will be when I look into the mirror and see a healthy, natural glow on my cheeks instead of a puffy, pasty old woman. It will be when I can bounce down the stairs with my grandson in my arms and not pant. It will be when I can honestly say to myself or anyone else who asks....I've never felt better!

So hear this scale! For now you can stay. But keep your yap shut because you don't hold as much weight around here as you use to! (pun intended!)

Monday, February 26, 2007

Where Did My Skinny Clothes Go?

I did something different this time regarding my diverse wardrobe. I threw away my skinny clothes. Now how does that make sense? Well...admit it. Most all yo-yo dieters have a wardrobe that comes in three sizes - not like the McDonalds variety (small, medium or large) but something like that.
You know, the ones you keep just for that infamous day when you finally lose all the weight and look like you did 20 years ago. Nevermind that the clothes are also 20 years out of date. Then there's the wardrobe that you wear when you're in-between, fat enough that you should be on a diet...but not inspired enough to actually go on one. And then there's the supersized deal. You know, the ones we actually call our "FAT Clothes." And even when we've dieted and gotten back down to that mid-sized area, we still hang on to the Fat Clothes because well, we could need them again someday.
Now it's when the FAT CLOTHES get too tight, that we usually decide it's time to go an yet another diet and at least get back into those in-between clothes! Somehow when we get back into them, we feel better. Never better enough to keep going to the skinny clothes. Complacency sets in and the in-between clothes will do just fine for now, thank you very much.
So why did I toss all me skinny clothes? Well, it's sort of a Murphy's Law type thing. Lately I've been downsizing my lving space in preparation for a future move and it seems that whenever I toss something that I haven't used in like - forever - don't I find my self needing it again! So I'm thinking, okay - I'll toss the skinny duds and if Murphy's Law kicks in like it should, I'll be needing them again!

And maybe it's because this time, I really mean it about losing the weight. And when I do, I'm going to treat myself to a new wardrobe. How exciting would it be to get down to where I was 20 years ago, and then have to wear what I wore 20 years ago? But I'm keeping the little black dress. LBD's are timeles. That's my focal point. It stares at me everday. And it wants me to win this battle!

So today I do my upperbody and cardio. Yesterday was Sunday - a day of rest. Although I did do a lot of walking outside in the snow. We invited some friends over and made a fire and cooked sausages outside and ran the snowmobiles around the back yard for a while. (It's a big back yard....) It felt good to move around. I've noticed a difference in just this short span of time. I want to feel better as much as I want to look better. And that's a good thing, don't you think?

Sunday, February 25, 2007

This ain't gonna' be easy...

I didn't do so good yesterday. I didn't eat a whole turkey, but I did give in to some temptations. After turning down the donut, things started sliding. But like always - I tend to focus on the negative instead of the positive, so let me tell you both sides.
I did eat a healthy lunch. A tuna sandwich on whole wheat bread with some carrot sticks. (I actually like carrot sticks - well, I wouldn't pick them out in a crowd, but they satisfy the need to crunch so they make me not miss the chips so much.) So because I ate a healthy lunch and skipped that donut earlier....I figured I deserved 3 oreos for dessert. And an orange.
Around 3:30 I was feeding my grandson a grilled cheese sandwich and made one for myself. Then I was looking for something in the cabinet in my living room and found the box of Ferraro Rochers my hubby gave me for Valentine's Day. Mind you they'd been in there for 17 days and only ONE was missing! I hid them when I got them so I wouldn't be tempted. So since only one was gone - I figured I deserved to indulge. I ate one. Then I flipped the box over to see the calorie content. 130 calories in a serving. A serving was considerd three. So of course I ate two more to make it a full serving. (I'm really dumb sometimes...) Later that evening we went to my brother's and orderd a pizza. I only had 3 small squares. And a couple crackers... and a few chips dipped in guacamole.... and a brownie....
But I did do the cardio workout (only 15 minutes) but better than nothing. And yes, I did dance in my family room. To the music from a Wiggles tape. My grandson likes them.
I'm not giving up! Maybe I did eat more than I should - but not as much as I would have normally! And I did do my strength training and my cardio. Baby steps.....little bitty baby steps. They'll get me where I want to go.....if I just keep taking them.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Making the first hurdle,,,,

I managed to make my first real hurdle this morning - which is always the hardest, I think. As long as we lose our first real battle with temptation, it's easy to keep postponing the dreaded diet. You know, the "I messed up I guess I'll start tomorrow." Of course I'm not on a "diet" per say. Just managing what I eat and trying to eat healthier. So my dear hubby brought some donuts home and I didn't have one. Wanted to! Instead I ate an english muffin with some peanut butter and half a banana. And I feel satisfied.
I keep telling myself that my goal here is not only to get in shape, but to give my skin a healthy glow, make my hair shine, put a bounce in my step. When I think of it that way - it's easier to stay on track. Yesterday I did my lower body strength training session and the day before I did the upper. I feel good. A little sore but..well...tighter. And I like that. I know, it's only been a few days but I really do feel different.
I haven't ventured into the cardio yet. I gave my treadmill to my middle daughter when she got married. She always used it. Every day. I did every 6 weeks or so. So maybe I'll turn on some music and just dance. Won't THAT be a sight! Anyway - I'm focusing on baby steps. Little changes that when put together eventually will make big changes.
So the donut is behind me. And I survived. I'm also down one pound. But the scale isn't too important to me right now. It's that elusive black dress hanging in my closet that's keeping me going!

Friday, February 23, 2007

Talk About Motivation!

Wow! Just looking at that picture of myself each morning is enough to make me keep going! You know, somewhere along the journey (the one that got us fat in the first place) we put on these rose colored glasses that help us not see the real us. Sure - we know we've gained a little weight (okay, maybe a lot!) But we'll put on a pair of slimming jeans and look in the mirror (always from our best angle) and say to ourselves, "I look okay!" And we see ourselves as we want to be seen - not as we are seen. Until we see a picture. Pictures don't lie. And we gasp and want to die! And that's why fat people avoid cameras. Because cameras tell the truth and we don't want to face the truth. We would rather go on believing that we look "okay" and that we really aren't "that fat".

So I would encourage you to take a picture of yourself. In a bathing suit. And keep it somewhere you can see it EVERY day. Probably not on the fridge. Unless you live alone. Or you really don't care if others see that much of you. But a journal works best. I'll talk more about that in a future post. But for now - get a 3 ring binder notebook and put a picture of yourself right smack on the first page. Date it. And then say goodbye to it! (the old you that is!) Write down how you feel on that first page. All the things you HATE about being fat. can't bend over to tie your shoes like you used can't sit cross legged on the floor with your kids (or grandkids) won't go swimming have to shop in the Plus Size fear running into anyone who knew you before you got this way....your knees hurt.....your back hurts.... Need I go on? Write it all down. Writing is therapeutic. It's cleansing and it helps us come up with solutions.

Say for me - this is day two. I did an upper body strength training session last night (by myself). I'm reading Kathy Smith's Lift Weights to Lose Weight book and I love it. I've started a food journal and an exercise log. I also have a little black dress hanging on the inside door of my closet - so I can see it every time I open the closet. My goal is to fit into it. Before my 50th birthday. So set yourself a goal. Make it reasonable. We'll do this together!

Sunday, February 18, 2007

So Here I am ~ Day One!

They say that two of the most successful tools a person can use to acheive weight loss are: keeping a journal and enlisting a buddy. So I'm thinking, why not? I'll start a blog to record my journey and maybe pick up some "buddies" along the way that are willing to come along for the ride! I have decided that THIS time - above ALL other times - that I am going to do it! I'm going to make some lifestyle changes and get in shape!

I turn 50 in June of this year. The proverbial mid-life crisis has reared its ugly head and I really want to crest that "hill" feeling good about myself. And frankly - right now I feel rather frumpy. I wasn't always this way. I was a cheerleader in highschool and my 5'4" frame carried around 118 pounds quite nicely, thank you very much. But something happened along the way. Three kids, a sedentary lifestyle, quitting smoking, enjoying food just a little too much! My poor little frame is now lugging around 185 lbs. My knees don't like back doesn't like it....I'm fairly sure my husband doesn't like it....and I KNOW I don't like it! So, I'm going to do it. You, my dear readers will be my accountability partners.

I'm hoping you stumbled across this blog because you too, want to embark on a weight loss journey with someone else. So...will you ride shotgun with me? I will be scathingly honest about my efforts. (When I belonged to Weight Watchers I had a very creative technique about entering things in my food journal. I didn't.) Yeah, I know. I lied. Unfortunately the scale didn't.

I'll tell you about all the things I tried in the past that worked. And all the things that didn't. And more importantly I'll share with you what I'm doing this time that's different. I'll even post pictures (postcards if you will) of me along the way. I won't be showing my face though. I'll be that guy Wilson on Home Improvement - the one who always hides his face behind the fence. Because, well - I'm just too embarrassed about the way I look right now and God forbid some old schoolmate from high school shuold stumble upon this blog. I'd be forever mortified! But I will show my face as I near my goal.

SO let's go!