Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Is There Such Thing as a Mini-Binge?

I don't binge like I used to. But I'm pretty sure I still "mini-binge" if there's such a thing. After my second daughter was born - that's when I started to do the real thing thing. My husband played in a band six nights a week so I was always alone at night. Food became my companion. And my binge of choice was pretty simple and straight forward. I would get a BIG bag of peanut m&m's, a 2 liter bottle of diet coke and the TV remote. I didn't usually finish the bag, but ate enough that I felt pretty yucky. And I always polished off what was left the next morning with my coffee. And the pounds crept on. I started to center my alone time around food. Pretty soon food became my "friend" in other ways. Like if I had a fight with my husband. Or a friend. The food was always there for me. I would plan these big elaborate feasts to eat all by my lonesome.

But over the years I stopped that. The big pig-out sessions. Now I have "mini-binges". It's like I'll eat a normal meal or have a little snack and then decided that maybe I need just a little more. Which always translates into a lot more. Not a full fledged binge - but enough that the evidence walks around with me everyday in the form of an extra 50 pounds.

So yesterday....I had a little mini-binge. I made these pizza roll things for my grandson and he didn't like them. So I ate them. The whole box. All 410 calories worth. And because I felt guilty about that - I hit the Ferraro Rochers and ate 4. I know some of you are saying "Girl - you don't know what a BINGE is!" I do. That's why I call this one a mini. But the minis add up. And I'm frustrated with myself. And I didn't do my strength training and cardio yesterday either.

So this morning I'm feeling like "why bother". I need someone to tell me not to quit. I know there are lurkers out there. I can tell when my blog's been "hit". I lurk too. Surf around and visit sites and don't leave a comment. But I really, really need a buddy to help me through this.

I'm not giving up. Because I hate how I look! I was invited to a party for a friend's 50th birthday a few weeks ago. This was a friend from high school that I hadn't seen in many years. Her husband was trying to round up her old friends for a "this is your life" type party and I made up an excuse not to go. Because I was so ashamed of how I looked and didn't want to be at that party with all those old friends I hadn't seen in so long and know that they would all be whispering about me. Saying, "what a shame - she really let her self go - she was so pretty in high school..." I just couldn't face that. And I realized when I declined the party that my weight was ruling my life. And ruining it. And I determined not to let it anymore.

So that's why it would help if someone just left a note and said "DO bother! Don't give up! I did it! You can do it too! Or we'll do it together!"

Okay. I feel better now. Sort of.

1 comment:

Elle said...

Wow, so many things I can relate to in your post.

First, I'm married to a musician and spend many nights alone (5-6 week). Sometimes I feel single! Food becomes entertainment and company.

Second, I hear you on the mini-binge. You can then *almost* fool yourself that you haven't eaten enough to truly have to cut back. It's almost worse than a binge because it slips in under the radar and keeps happening.