Welcome to My Pity Party....Or why I Wanna' be a Loser!

I had my interview today and I think it went well. It's frustrating...I've taught in this district for 3 years as a long-term Art Sub and still I must jump through hoops every time another position opens up. This one is a year long stint in an elementary school and I'd really love to get it.

I had a hard time deciding what to wear but finally decided on my brown slacks (the ones a bought a while back in a smaller size that made me giddy!) They actually make my butt look smaller than it is which in my mind is one great big plus! My hips were always my nemesis but I've noticed lately that my gut is catching up. I always had such a small waist. It was 24 inches before kids and 29 inches after number three. Then the years caught up with me and it slowly started expanding. Now that I'm at that golden age where my precious hormones can turn on me at in less than a moment's notice - I'm feeling the bloat. But I know this doesn't have to be. Does it? I know truthfully though where I'll be in the next few years if I don't put a curb on things.

My mom always told me how once she turned 50 life was amazing! What was she smoking?! Sorry, Mom. It's not that life isn't amazing for me - it's just not...well...amazing. My joints ache. I get out of breath when I climb a big flight of stairs. I feel fat and self-conscious when I go out in public. I know. I know! There is so much to be thankful for. I found love the second time around after first hubby died. I have great kids and a terrific grandson. I'm building an addition that almost equals a whole new house - the existing structure being gutted so that in reality it will be a new house. What more could I want?

To be thin. Or at least....thin-ner.

They say that just because you lose weight doesn't mean all your problems will go away. Life won't be necessarily better. But I'm thinking yes....yes...it will. because right now life IS good for me. But I have achy joints that keep me from enjoying the activities I once did. Losing weight would help that. A lot. I am out of breath when I climb stairs because I'm not just lugging me up those stairs but also 50 extra pounds! And if I lost weight I wouldn't stress when I stand in front of my closet looking for something to wear. If I lost weight I could chose an item because I liked the color! Or the style! Or the way it shows off something. ANYTHING!

So in this case....losing weight will make my life better. There. That was my self-pep talk for the day.

You know that commercial where the woman says "I refuse to grow old gracefully - I intend to fight it every step of the way!" That's my new mantra. Mid-life crisis is settling in here and I'm feeling an urgent now or never attitude creeping in.

So it's NOW! I refuse to let it be never.

A Trip to the Beach.....

Yesterday my youngest daughter and I took my grandson to the beach. (His mommy was working) and we decided since it was almost August and we hadn't been there yet this summer - it was time. It's funny how when you live so close to something you seem to go less.

As soon as we got there it started pouring so we had to sit in the car for 10 minutes. Waa! Not fun with a 2 1/2/ year old. When it finally subsided we ventured out and meandered through warm puddles in the parking lot. Or...Grandbaby did!

Our beach is historic. Back in the day (late 1800's) the place was called the Coney Island of Central New York. Some of the local eateries have vintage photos of the era and it was spectacular. Somewhere along the way it lost it's luster. Bit by bit, things were torn down...hotels razed...rides taken down...all except the carousel (built in 1908) which remains even today. All that remained throughout my childhood and young adult life (besides the carousel) was the grand beach house which remained locked and boarded up. In fact for many years even the beachfront was locked with large gates so even the water was inaccessible. It became a stomping ground for the dregs of society.....gangs, vagrants, hoods....it was sad. Although people still visited to ride the carousel or get a famous Abbott's frozen custard no one really came to picnic.

(The pic above is of the watefront at night - in it's prime.)

Then one day it started coming back to life. I think people realized we had a great beach here and it was time to take it back. The purchase of the infamous "Fast Ferry" helped things too. Although that was a bomb! Long story...but it's no longer here. But in spite of it's loss, the waterfront was revitalized. A new boardwalk was built. A bandstand was erected and the old bath house got a redoing. The whole port got a face lift and once again it's an amazing place. Not like it was in the day - some things you just can't do twice...but still...I feel lucky to live so close.

So we walked around for a while and took in the sights. Grandbaby chased geese and watched the duckies from the pier. The breeze was too brisk from the recent rainstorm to walk the shore (I forget how temps dip on the waterfront.) Then we got a frozen custard. And yep - I got one too. My one and only this summer and it was wonderful! I remember as a child how the beach was the only place that sold frozen custard until about 10 years ago when Abbott's started franchising. The line would wrap clear around the corner of Beach Avenue and you'd expect to wait close to an hour in line for the frozen delicacy. And it was always worth the wait!

After our treat we headed back home. Back to reality.

Last night hubby and I drove around town looking at siding on houses to get some ideas for ours. Then we stopped at a local eatery for a bite and I took most of my dinner home in a doggy bag. (Do they still call them doggy bags?) I mean - did anyone ever really give the leftovers to their dog? I don't know. I always finished my plates! So taking some home last night was an accomplishment!

The Good Old Summertime!

I've not been so good about posting daily. Summer has that effect on me. I get kind of lazy-dazy and one day flows into another. I'm lousy without a routine.

Another reason is that I've been pouring my heart into this Power Point presentation that I have to give Monday for an interview. I do long term subbing and the next gig is for a whole year. It's in a district that I've long-termed in 3 times (total 2 years altogether) and yet they still make me jump through hoops each time. C'mon guys....either you like me or you don't!

And since Ive never actually created a Power Point presentation (I've shown 'em - that's easy....just click a mouse) it's been an ordeal. But I will say I've been having fun with all the bells and whistles and so far it's looking pretty polished.

As for the *ahem* diet....not going too well. I fluctuate between extremely healthy eating and really lousy eating. Remember I said I was an "all or nothin" gal? I've had a really lousy sore throat for almost a week now so I'm not sleeping very well. I'm up and down all night getting water to soothe it. And lack of sleep makes you crave carbs. Still....no excuse.

But I have been getting in some good exercise and lots of veggies. I can't wait to stop visiting the farmer's market and start picking my own! The garden is doing great - the beets are ready to pick as well as some types of peppers. The zucchini is blossoming and the corn is thigh high...they knee high by the 4th of July...well we missed that! The peas didn't fare too well but the garlic is ready to be harvested and the lettuce is good for picking now too. The tomatoes are still green though. I'm itching for them! I just love picking a warm ripe one right off the vine and eating it right smack there in the garden. Nothing better! The beans and cukes are starting too!

The berries on the other hand are fading fast. The blackberries are done. The birds are fighting me for the remainder of the blueberries and I think I'll let them win. My freezer's full for now.

Gosh there's nothing like summertime, is there? Last night we had a little campfire and then watched the fireflies for a while. Strange though...we didn't hear the peepers like we usually do. I don't know if that's a sign of summer waning or if it's just been so dry. It's about this time I start subconsciously counting the weeks we have left. In our parts once September comes the nights get brisk and it's a fairly quick slide into fall. Another great season - but it can never top Summer!

Close Call!

A scary thing happened on my walk today. I've never been one to be nervous when I go for my walks. I always go during daylight hours and the route I take, while it's somewhat rural - is still scattered with enough houses that one is never out of sight. I don't have the luxury of a walking partner *sigh* so I have to trek it alone.

Today as I reached the corner of my street I decided on a whim to take a left instead of my usual right. There is a hill to the left and I figured my backside could use the extra push today. Now I used to walk this route all the time so this wasn't something new. It's just that it'd been years since I went this way so I figured what the heck.

On this particular stretch of mile long road there are only 5 houses and 4 are at the corner where I started out. The rest of the road is surrounded on either side by dense woods. So there I am, strolling along and enjoying the warm sunshine on my shoulders when this white van drives by. I see the guy check me out in his side view mirror. He goes about 100 yards, slows down and pulls off the side of the road. I'm thinking "this is strange.....no houses...no reason to stop along the woods...." As I get closer panic sets in. I will have to walk right along side the van to get around it. I imagine him whipping the side door open and yanking me in. No one there to see it. No one to hear me scream. Now I'm really scared but like an idiot my feet keep moving forward. Then remember that I have me cell phone. I bring it when I walk. I call my daughter and explain the situation. Perhaps if the weirdo sees me on the phone he'll drive off. Nope. He stays put. My sensible daughter says "Mom! Turn around and go back!!!" Yeah...why didn't I think of that? So I do an about face and stay on the phone with her till I reach the crest of the hill and meet up with houses again. The van never moves. (I keep glancing over my shoulder.)

Needless to say the walk was cut short today. And I will never, ever walk that route again. Sometimes I can be so naive. But really! When I was a kid we walked everywhere! Heck, I walked through the woods to get some places. We hitch-hiked too. Times were gentler then. Nobody worried about abductions. Sometimes I still think that if I believe it enough it'll still be like that.

Who knows what the intentions were of the creepy guy in the white van. Maybe he was making a phone call. Maybe he stopped to read a map. All I know is that I'd rather err on the side of caution than be his next victim!

Anyway - point of this whole story is ~ be careful when you walk! I know there are a lot of you walking out there for exercise and I'm not saying to stop. Heavens no! Keep on trucking! But bring a partner or at least a cell phone. And be wary of deserted ways.

Too Old for the Bar Scene....

Well, I didn't bury my face in the appetizers last night so that was the good thing. The other good thing was that I went home early and spared myself the inevitable temptation of going out for "breakfast" after the bars close as is customary with this particular crowd. The restaurant was nice - we sat out on the deck and the weather was perfect - just a gentle breeze with a hint of warmth until the sun went down.

At about 10:30 the "bride" announced we were going downtown to another bar. It was about then that I and a few others gracefully bowed out. Hubby was surprised to see me roll in so early. I've learned over the years that the excitement people chase in bars really doesn't exist anywhere but in the mind's eye. It's kind of the "Are we having fun yet?" dilemma. At least for me - everything that I'd ever been chasing all those years in my youth was waiting for me in my own living room watching a Law & Order re-run. It was much more rewarding to snuggle up beside him last night than to push and shove in a crowded bar.

And I'm feeling better by the way, than I was in my last post. A bunch of guys the "bride" knew tried to guess who was the oldest between my two sisters and I. I was pegged as the youngest. (I'm the oldest - my youngest sister is 11 years my junior!) It made my night *!*

The bloaty blues that I had yesterday were definitely tied in with hormones. It blindsides me every time.

On the home front - the second floor is now built! There are still no stairs so we have to traverse a wobbly ladder to get up there but it's well worth the climb! The roof trusses go up Tuesday and as soon as the doors and windows go in - the east wall gets knocked out to make it one big house. There is still SO much to do beyond the shell. Progress is slow but it's progress none the less. The pic above is me and hubby sitting in opening to the future front door. The one he's going to carry me across in about 6 months - if I can drop this weight! (...the socks and work boots....I know, I KNOW! I gotta' love him anyway!)

I'm getting lots of motivation from reading about those of you that are winning this battle of the bulge! I'm just going to keep on putting one foot in front of the other. It's gotta' lead somewhere, right?

Here I Am - the Queen of Bloat!

And I wonder why the scale isn't budging! As if Thursday night wasn't enough with the tantalizing fat-laden menu I was faced with - tonight I'm attending a bachelorette party for my cousin! We're meeting at a waterside bar & grill in a few hours to drink, eat and laugh - three things women do best - as we celebrate her final days of being single. (as it is so to speak - they have a house and a two year old - hate to tell her but she gave up single-hood long ago...) But that's another story.

From what I understand, the appetizers have already been ordered for us so I really don't have a choice in that area. I suppose I could just nibble....which sounds good in theory but when the rubber hits the road I know it'll be a wash. I'll cave. I always do. Mainly because I'm not on any kind of roll here...oh I've got rolls (!) but we're talking momentum. I've been at a standstill the past few weeks and am feeling very bloated today. So I'm in the mindset that says "Why bother!" If I'd just seen another drop on the scale - or my pants felt somewhat loose - I'd been inspired to press on. It didn't help that I've already tried on 3 outfits and gagged at myself in the mirror all 3 times!


And this is a singles joint. Waterside dining...and outdoor bar and a band. These kinds of situations leave me feeling very depressed. When I was younger (much younger) I could walk into a place like that and hold my own quite well, thank you very much. I don't turn heads anymore like I used to and that is depressing. Used to be I'd walk by a group of men and I'd get cat-calls. Now they moo. Well - they don't actually moo - at least audibly - but I'll bet they are inside! Do I sound a little paranoid? It's times like this that I look at myself and feel downright disgusted! When did I let myself go? How did it get this far? I'm 60 pounds heavier than I was when I was a "normal" weight. I've become a frump!

Ahhh....so I'm going with the attitude that I'm gonna' fail before I even walk out the door. Probably because I feel like a failure right now. Tomorrow I'll probably feel better. It comes in cycles.

Okay... gotta' go upstairs and try on a few more outfits....

My Bad....

Well, pickins' were slim as far as ordering anything that was even close to being good for me. Being a nice place, the menu was limited. (Click on the menu and tell me what you would've ordered!) I ended up with the Chicken French. I know. I KNOW! Drenched in butter and fried to boot. What can I say. I caved. But when everyone ordered dessert - I passed. Well pat yourself on the back, Lora. Big deal.

Ah, but tomorrow is another day so I'll just start up where I left off.

On a lighter note - it was a really beautiful place. Our table overlooked Lake Ontario and the shoreline was shallow for many feet out so the waves were breaking with whitecaps. There was slight pink hue over a portion of the horizon that gave the darkened sky a warm feeling. Reminded me of the ocean which *sigh* I haven't been to in over 3 years..... There were also beautiful gardens and in spite of the slight rainy drizzle, we walked through them and out onto the pier. It was warm and breezy and in spite of the large guilt trip I was laying on myself for being little Miss Piggy - I truly enjoyed myself.

Maybe I need to focus more on the surroundings when I go out and less on the menu. I mean, the food was excellent - but being there was even better. Hmmmm....