Dr. Phil Called.....

I really am still here. Just up to my elbows and other nether parts in primer and plaster dust. We SO want to be in the new place before summer is over. Hubby is up to his own body parts in grease working 12 hour days at his mechanic job (and since said machines are of the lawn care nature) this is the B-U-S-Y season!

My diet (or lack thereof) is in the hole. I'll be wrapping a big towel around my rear end anytime I get the nerve up to take a dip in the lake. I've been so sore and achey lately that exercise seems daunting. When the weather changes (especially the humidity) these old joints remind me that I'm not a spring chicken anymore. Not that I'm ready to join the old hen party yet - but somewhere in between.

A few weeks ago one of the Producers from the Dr. Phil Show called (in response to a letter I'd written) and asked if I would be interested in partaking in a weight loss segment. Hello?! Like - YES! So I sent in the obligatory full length pics and answered all the questions they had. And then was told that it (meaning the segment) was on the table for now and maybe they would be contacting me in the future. *sigh* (I'm not holding my breath). But too be able to say one was on Oprah AND Dr. Phil! Wouldn't that make a fine addendum to my resume! Oh well. My biggest "alas" was because I thought just maybe the accountability factor would spur me into thinness.

Guess I'm back to doing it on my own.

My sisters and I are going to Florida in October for a few days so I have that in front of me. Perhaps it will be incentive enough.

I'm still job hunting fiercely and coming up short. Last night I went to a cocktail gala that celebrated accomplishments in the PR field. My middle daughter was receiving what's called the "Rising Star in Journalism" award so hubby and I went as her guests. The place was filled with youngsters! As in - almost every business person there was younger than 30. There were a few oldsters (maybe 10?) but everyone else was looked squeaky clean - barely out of college! It's a young persons world out there right now. Explains why someone my age is having a hard time breaking into the professional scene.... I actually have been omitting my Masters Degree on my resume as of late as I apply outside of my chosen field so as not to appear "over qualified". It doesn't make sense.

Right now I have to pack a lunch (healthy of course...) for hubby and I before I head over to the new place to prime some more walls. The downstairs is done. Only 3 more bedrooms. a bathroom, stairway, hall and walk in closet to do. ARGHH! (It must count for some sort of exercise though, right?)

Coming Home After a Long Weekend!

Oh My. Where have I been? Just so busy with the new house (the drywall is done and we've been priming which is a tedious job as the walls are still white after all that painting!) I'm still away 2 night s a week at the aide job and then there's the cottage! Been there the past two weekends and what a needed respite!

Last weekend we opened it for the season. Dusted the cobwebs -opened all the windows to let out the musty smell (7 months will do that) and checked for signs of mice, Nada! I socked the fridge and cupboards with staples and we got all the outdoor furniture out. The weather was great and it wasn't so hard to go home knowing we'd return the following weekend.

We got home last night and it was so-o hard to leave! My 2 older daughters were there for the holiday weekend along with one hubby and one boyfriend (who confided in me that he would like to ask my daughter to marry him!) Youngest daughter and her hubby couldn't make it - they had to attend an anniversary party in Long Island. We missed them!

I don't realize how much I miss walking around the lake until I get there each year. I never tire of it. The old dirt road hugs the lake and grants us a view of the water almost the entire round except the little jaunt that takes us through a well worn trail in the woods loops through the old abandoned Camp Fire Kids Camp.

Little grandson went swimming with my son-in-aw and they swore the water was warm - yet both were shivering when they got out and scrambled for their towels! My daughter got w hooked on the Twilight Books and brought the second one down for me to read so we spent many hours on the dock with our noses in the books.

I love the lake so much! Time stands still and I swear I can almost hear the laughter of past generations echo across the lake at night. The stars spill across the sky and campfires dot the shoreline. Nothing is sweeter...

I definitely have to get on the stick and watch my eating though. While my shorts weren't tight - they certainly weren't loose. I need to get my walking regime going full throttle and maybe even try the running gig again this summer. Ah summer! It's officially here and it feels so good to hear myself say that.

Hope you all had a glorious Memorial Day Weekend!

Farewell Sweet Betsy....

Yesterday afternoon my late hubby's sister and her husband arrived here from Colorado. They came to town for a class reunion. When the plane touched down my sister-in-law turned on her cell phone to see a voice mail alert. The new message had been sent many hours ago. It was from her son-in-law. Their daughter Betsy, had died in her sleep.

Betsy was only 35 years old. She had been fighting breast cancer since she was 24 when a Doctor mis-diagnosed a lump in her breast. Told her it was only a cyst. She believed him until a year later there were more lumps and it was too late.

Betsy refused to accept this prognosis and decided to live her life. She continued on with school and became a Physician's assistant. Although her fiancee at the time of the diagnosis called off the engagement (he couldn't deal with the cancer and his dad was part of the oncology group that misdiagnosed her in the first place...but we won't even go there....) she went on to meet a wonderful guy named Jeff. Four years ago they flew to Hawaii with his family and hers and were married on the beach on New Years Eve.

Betsy continued to swim (she was an avid swimmer) and starred in a Nike commercial doing just that! She was featured on a television show a while ago about cancer survivors and Haley Berry read her story. She was so positive and so smiley and we all believed she would beat this. She never asked "Why me?" She just lived her life and wouldn't even consider the alternative. But last night the alternative came. And her poor parents had to learn the news as the de-boarded a plane in Rochester New York. Thousands of miles away.

Besty's wish was to donate her body to cancer research. She hated the disease. I hate it too. It took both of my grandmothers. It took my mom. It took two of my uncles and it took my late husband. The next time you have the opportunity to donate to the American Cancer Society...please do so. For Betsy. And all the other wonderful people that have been taken from us too soon.

Saturday....

The rough draft of the thesis has been submitted. I'll find it in a few days how much I have to revise. I'm praying not much - but having never been through this before I haven't a clue what to expect. I definitely feel as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. At least for now.

Youngest daughter arrived in town from Massachusetts with her hubby last night and we all got together here and colored eggs. Then we sat around the table and ate Easter cookies as we sipped coffee and enjoyed the impromptu prelude to tomorrow's festivities.

The in-laws are coming over after church for brunch and hubby's mom will be armed with her traditional 1,000 pounds of cream puffs. Okay - maybe not 1,000 pounds - but it sure seems like it when I'm looking at them the whole next week and fighting the urge to devour them all in one sitting.

After that we'll head over to my cousin's and visit with family that we don't get to see as often as we should. These same cousins that I've shared every holiday with since - well - ever! And even though we're all older now....with laughlines etched on our faces and silver peppering our temples....when we're together on holidays such as this - we're all kids again! Reliving the memories of chocolate bunnies and rainbow eggs....jellybeans and fancy clothes that we're warned to keep clean -at least until we get to Grandma's house! I can't wait!

Bridgette (my cousin's little girl that so many of you have been praying for) will be there and we have much to celebrate! The chemo is doing it's job and in spite of the fact that she was diagnosed stage 4 - the Doctors are very optimistic for a recovery!!

Right now I'm in the throes of heavy duty house cleaning and just took a break while the kitchen floor dries. During the thesis "event" the poor house was sorely neglected. Hubby and I have only been married 5 years. The in-laws still think I'm a neat freak. Can't tarnish the image. Ha!

Right now my heart is a tad heavy as today is the anniversary of my mom's death. But tomorrow I shall rejoice because I know that Christ's resurrection assures me that I will see her (and my dad - and my first hubby) again someday on the other side of eternity!!!

Happy Easter to you all! May the Lord shine His countenance upon you tomorrow and always!

(and Honi - may your Passover celebration be blessed as well!)

Looking Back.....

I'm up to my ears in "thesis work" - almost done - turning in the rough draft Wednesday (yippee - yeah!) So I'm whimping out and posting a re-run. Actually - it's not a re-run any of you guys have seen...it's something I wrote for my final project in school 7 years ago. I was 45 years old at the time in a class of all 20 something year-olds. We had to create a work of art that reflected us personally in some way and write an essay to be read while the piece was "unveiled."

Mine was an old door frame with 12 window panes on it. I created a box 5 inches deep and laid the frame over the top. Where each pane was - I created a box. Wish I had a picture. The box got dismantled several years ago because the contents was too precious to leave it laying around in the garage.

Anyhoo - here's my essay. I figured it might give you a little more glimpse of who I am than what you normally see here.

This project has been difficult for me to do. Not because of technical or creative concerns - but because of where I happen to be in my life right now. Most of you, though your projects reflected an essence of looking back - have also had a strong emphasis on where and who you are now. You are all at a point in your lives where looking ahead is far more enjoyable than looking back. There is an eagerness and anticipation that makes life exciting for you all and I have enjoyed being a part of that - even if only as an observer.

My life is more than half over. I am at the 'wonderful' stage where that proverbial mid-life crisis has reared its ugly head - my hormones are in full swing - and my nest is about to become emptier as my middle daughter leaves for college this fall. Tomorrow I will graduate and it will be hard to switch gears. I've always been a stay-at-home mom and it will be hard to give up that role even though my daughters are almost adults themselves.

I have avoided looking back on my life lately because it has been a painful reminder of how fleeting and fragile time can be. Though the memories have been joyful and sweet - they have served to intensify that fact that nothing we have in this life we live is a 'given.'

My piece is a shadow box collection of memories. Each frame holds a memory from a particular era in my life. I have purposely not put them in chronological order because memories don't occur that way. I have transposed the words to some of my favorite songs onto each pane of glass because I believe music can be such a powerful tool in rekindling thoughts and feelings that we have tucked away in the corners of our mind. Throughout the piece I have strewn daisy petals as a reminder of the powerful influence my mother was and continues to be in my life. Though she has been gone from this world for 5 years now - she is still with me everyday. Daisies were her favorite flower.

The Scripture cards scattered throughout were found in my great grandmother's bible and are a reminder not only of my own faith - but of the prayers of others that have surrounded me though out my life and have brought me to where I am today. The bible I found them in was given to me by my dad, a week before he died and so they also represent him. He went to be with my mother 5 years ago today - a mere 3 weeks after she left us.

I have spent many hours sifting through old photographs, tenderly handling the memories and letting them surround me with their presence. It has not been easy. Looking back has served to remind me that I am also moving forward. This is something I am not eager to do. I wish with all of my heart that time could stand still. My husband is dying with cancer and my future is so uncertain. Though I know that the Lord will bring me through this trial as he has so many others - I am still afraid. I wish that I could step into this box I have made and linger for as long as it takes to give me the strength to move ahead.

I am hoping that my project will do more than just fulfill the requirement for this course. I want it to be a reminder to you all - of the beauty and frailty of life. Don't be in such a rush to move forward. live today - and love today - and make the most of today. Tomorrow will come soon enough.

Three months after I wote that - My dear hubby went to be with the Lord. (the pic is me & him the day after I wrote my essay.) Since that time two daughters have married (double wedding - same day!) and I have a grandson. I have remarried and am getting ready to move into a new house. I am also going to be graduating yet again this month when I receive my master's Degree. I can't believe how much has happened in such a short span of time.

My mantra is and always has been (to any of you who have been with me for a long time) to take time to stop and smell the flowers.

Happy Spring!

What Animal Are You?

The M&Ms are gone. I'm wearing them on my hips. This was one big bag, people!

So I decided that I definitely needed to do some de-stressing. The new job was killing me. And I wasn't feeling all that happy about the direction it was taking. I was hired as an Executive Assistant. Part time - stuff I could do at home. Then somehow my title changed to District Sales Manager and I was expected to cold call colleges and see if I might help them in the area of international recruitment. Before the end of the second week my title was changed yet again to Marketing Director of something or other. And we all know with each new title comes new work. So I made a clean break and I feel like a large weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm not ready for the corporate world. Just let me be an art teacher.....

The only real stress now is the thesis. And that's not M&M worthy. Unless someone brings a big bag into my house again. That would be a bad idea....for both of us.

So I went for my first walk of the season the other day. It was wonderful! The air was warm...the birds were singing and I swear I even spotted a few buds on some trees. My daffodils have poked their little heads up out of the earth and spring is officially here in Upstate New York! And aren't I aching everywhere! Wasn't it just 7 months ago that I was actually running?? And now I've gotten so out of shape over the winter that a measly 2 mile walk has left me sore all over!

It seems lately that everything hurts! Am I that out of shape? Or am I that old? Truthfully, when I bend down to get something up off the floor these days I check around to make sure there isn't something else I can do while I'm down there. Getting back up (or out of bed for that matter) has become quite the chore.

I remember several years ago I was taking a dance class... (don't laugh! It wasn't my choice - it was a required class for my graduate studies - Interdisciplinary Arts for Children). Anyway - the instructor assigns each of us an animal and we had to do an interpretive dance (in front of the whole class) that was inspired by our animal. Okay now picture this. At the time I am about 48 years old. I have this cast on my arm because I fell on the first day of school where I was teaching that year. (I know...call me Grace) All the rest of the class is in their early twenties. They are assigned butterflies and bees and swans and eagles.... I am assigned my animal and it is - a manatee. A MANATEE! All I kept repeating to myself as I danced my 'manatee dance' was "and I'm paying HOW MUCH for this class???"

Okay. There is a point here, really. Fact is - lately I feel like I AM a manatee! Big. Fat. Lolling around with my rolls hanging out for all the world to see. Except that as I recall when I visited Sea World last - they feed them lettuce. Not Peanut M&Ms. *sigh* And as mortified as I was back in that graduate class - I'm feeling just as awful right now. Because summer is just around the corner and swimsuit season is about ready to rear its ugly head and I swear that I am not going to spend the whole season doing a re-enactment of my manatee interpretation!!!

(It was bad enough the first time.)

SO I guess that means I suck it up and get out here and walk through the pain. And pass on the M&Ms. And make really wise food choices.

This summer....I want to be a dolphin.

My Drug of Choice....

Yes...I'm still here. Balancing the 3 jobs, writing the paper, counting the days till spring and eating like crap.

It seems that when I'm under stress I throw caution to the wind and eat myself silly. It's the crunch factor. Some people bite their nails. Some people crack their knuckles. Some people grind their jaws.

I don't grind my jaws - but I do move them up and down with something inevitably stuck between them. When I'm stressed....don't give me cake. Don't give me ice cream. I need something crunchy that I can chew on to make me feel better. Like peanut m&ms.

Dang those peanut m&ms! Last weekend my sisters, sister in law, daughters and nieces came over for a Girl's night. Everyone brought a snack. ARGHH! And didn't someone bring a big -we're talking GINORMOUS (that's a word now!) bag of peanut m&ms. And didn't they NOT take it back home with them. And haven't they been calling my name all week long and aren't I almost through the bag?

Gheesh.

I feel like a manatee.

I've slipped into the what does it matter syndrome. You know, where you're tempted to eat something and you weigh the cost and decide what does it matter? Not the whole weight loss thing in general, but the part that figures what does a few hundred calories matter anyway.

But darn if they don't! I started thinking yesterday about all the things I shove into my mouth that I think don't really matter and then looked at my butt and decided that YES.. They DO matter.

Sometimes I think we stick our heads in the sand and convince ourselves that cutting out a bit here and there isn't going to make a dent. It's do or die. As in deprive ourselves of something big and we've hit pay dirt. Pass up on the handful of m&ms and it's no big deal. As in might as well eat them because I certainly won't lose any more even if I don't...

But then I looked at my butt again and realized that it IS a big deal. (In my case...a very big deal.)

I could sit here now and pontificate about how I've had this great revelation and that from henceforth things will be different. But I'm pretty sure I've done that before. This is no great epiphany here for me.

I just figured it would be better to pound away at the keyboard and not the bag of m&ms in the next room calling my name.