And the Rains Came Down....

Yesterday I stepped out at noon to get some thank you notes and the storm came full force. What a doozy! It was like a mini hurricane! The stop signs tipped over, mulch was blowing out of the road side gardens and the dust was whipping around so much it looked like a blizzard! It reminded me of the dust storms I saw in Mexico. Then came the rain and lightning. Pretty amazing to see nature in all it's glory.

We really needed the rain. Our lawns were brown and crispy and the poor gardens were struggling. What we didn't need was the wind - which knocked out a power line and left us in the dark from about 5:30 until sometime in the middle of the night. It would've been cozy to light candles and snuggle in while the storm raged on - but the storm had stopped so it was getting warm again. We had closed all our windows earlier in the day to keep the rain out so the house was stuffy when we got home. Who wants to light candles when it's hot? And of course the fans didn't work - and the window AC unit wouldn't work. It was interesting. This morning we had power but there are still 4500 people without.

Anyway - we made dinner in the dark and ate by a lit candle. It wasn't so bad. We couldn't watch the telly so I wasn't tempted to mindlessly snack. No wonder the pioneers were thin. (Of course the heavy labor probably helped a tad too...)

On another note - I think I'm close to making a truce with the scale. I'm getting used to the new number and when it recorded a loss of 1/2 pound I felt like I was moving back in the right direction. I won't say I'm done totally reeling though. But in all fairness - it's the OLD scale that let me down.

Will I ever stop obsessing about this?

I'm Not Over it Yet....

I still haven't made peace with the fact that my scale was so off. This morning as I was blow drying my hair, I had my head hung upside down and I glanced out of the corner of my eye at the inert hunk of metal and wiring that has ruined my week. It seemed to be mocking me! It was all I could do to not kick it across the floor. Being the mature fat woman that I am though, I kept it in check.

Realistically speaking..I know it's not the fault of the scale. It wasn't there all those years I was stuffing everything not nailed down into my yap. It didn't have me chained to the sofa so I couldn't (wouldn't) exercise. But it's so much easier to blame a hunk of metal than the real person at fault here.

So, I'm pouting today. Because I feel so much like I've gone a full circle right back to the beginning. I should've known. While clothes were getting looser ( my super-fat wardrobe) I still wasn't fitting as well into my Phase II -duds which considering my weight (or what I thought it to be) should have been happening.

I think the biggest problem we big people have is that we're not honest with ourselves. About anything. About how much we eat....how much we move....and how gosh darn heavy we allowed ourselves to become. Every now and then reality creeps in and taps me on the shoulder. Like when I'm walking past a large window and catch my reflection. (Of course I ell myself it must be the glass...) Come on - the glass? Or when I see a picture of myself. That one smacks. Because in my head I still am the skinny cheerleader I was in my youth.

I think my blog pal Cactus Freak said it best when she named her blog. Thin Girl Hiding in a Fat Suit. Yep. That's what I am. Why can't I let her out? I know she's in there.

So I'll pout another day or so. Hopefully I won't eat myself silly in the meantime. Because I really want there to be.....Less of Me.

ARGHHHH!

Yesterday was a rotten day. Which sounds weird I guess, since I was on such a high Saturday after that marvelous surprise party.

I went to the mall after church to hit the local bookstore. I am required to read one chapter in this certain book for my "classroom management" course and report on it tonight. The book is checked out in every library within a 20 mile radius of my town. And because it's a new release it's only out in hardcover. I can't justify shelling out $26.00 to read one chapter. So I found it at the bookstore and plopped myself down in one of the overstuffed chairs in the reading section and read my chapter. Then I put it back on the shelf. Okay. So far so good. Then I went to one of the department stores and bought a new pair of spiffy sunglasses with one of the gift certificates I received Saturday. (Ever notice how cool you feel in a new pair of shades?) So...still good. Moving right along I decide that it's probably time to update my scale. The one I've been using is ancient and it eats through batteries at an alarming rate. So I use some more birthday cash and get a new scale. Digital, weighs in .1 pound increments and measures body fat, has memory store and all that other happy stuff that I'll never use. Just give me the numbers, baby.

Again - I'm still feeling pretty good. You know where this is going don't you? So I drive home with my sporty new sunglasses on, my required chapter read, and my new scale in the back seat. As soon as I get home I unwrap the scale, quickly read the directions and bring it upstairs. I set the old one in the hall and put the new one in the place of honor. I step on. And I scream! It can't be! This is not right! I take all my clothes off. I step on again. Okay. So my clothes weighed 1.7 pounds. I'm still in shock! This new scale is 12 pounds heavier than the old one!

Relatively speaking - I just regained the 12 pounds I lost in one fell swoop! Well...I know I didn't actually regain them. Even though my old scale was off - it still measured that I'd lost 12 pounds. It's just that the starting and ending numbers are very much different. Which means that my actual starting weight was not 185 as I'd thought. It was 197!!!

So I have to change my weight tracker now. And I feel like crap. I know it's just a number - but it's a HIGH number! (did I actually call my scale "beloved" last week??) And even though in my head I know that I really did lose those 12 pounds - I'm still feeling like crapola.

An addendum to this little tale.....hubby came home later on that evening and went up to take a shower. I stood at the bottom of the stairs and waited. As I expected - he screamed too.