What Animal Are You?

The M&Ms are gone. I'm wearing them on my hips. This was one big bag, people!

So I decided that I definitely needed to do some de-stressing. The new job was killing me. And I wasn't feeling all that happy about the direction it was taking. I was hired as an Executive Assistant. Part time - stuff I could do at home. Then somehow my title changed to District Sales Manager and I was expected to cold call colleges and see if I might help them in the area of international recruitment. Before the end of the second week my title was changed yet again to Marketing Director of something or other. And we all know with each new title comes new work. So I made a clean break and I feel like a large weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm not ready for the corporate world. Just let me be an art teacher.....

The only real stress now is the thesis. And that's not M&M worthy. Unless someone brings a big bag into my house again. That would be a bad idea....for both of us.

So I went for my first walk of the season the other day. It was wonderful! The air was warm...the birds were singing and I swear I even spotted a few buds on some trees. My daffodils have poked their little heads up out of the earth and spring is officially here in Upstate New York! And aren't I aching everywhere! Wasn't it just 7 months ago that I was actually running?? And now I've gotten so out of shape over the winter that a measly 2 mile walk has left me sore all over!

It seems lately that everything hurts! Am I that out of shape? Or am I that old? Truthfully, when I bend down to get something up off the floor these days I check around to make sure there isn't something else I can do while I'm down there. Getting back up (or out of bed for that matter) has become quite the chore.

I remember several years ago I was taking a dance class... (don't laugh! It wasn't my choice - it was a required class for my graduate studies - Interdisciplinary Arts for Children). Anyway - the instructor assigns each of us an animal and we had to do an interpretive dance (in front of the whole class) that was inspired by our animal. Okay now picture this. At the time I am about 48 years old. I have this cast on my arm because I fell on the first day of school where I was teaching that year. (I know...call me Grace) All the rest of the class is in their early twenties. They are assigned butterflies and bees and swans and eagles.... I am assigned my animal and it is - a manatee. A MANATEE! All I kept repeating to myself as I danced my 'manatee dance' was "and I'm paying HOW MUCH for this class???"

Okay. There is a point here, really. Fact is - lately I feel like I AM a manatee! Big. Fat. Lolling around with my rolls hanging out for all the world to see. Except that as I recall when I visited Sea World last - they feed them lettuce. Not Peanut M&Ms. *sigh* And as mortified as I was back in that graduate class - I'm feeling just as awful right now. Because summer is just around the corner and swimsuit season is about ready to rear its ugly head and I swear that I am not going to spend the whole season doing a re-enactment of my manatee interpretation!!!

(It was bad enough the first time.)

SO I guess that means I suck it up and get out here and walk through the pain. And pass on the M&Ms. And make really wise food choices.

This summer....I want to be a dolphin.

My Drug of Choice....

Yes...I'm still here. Balancing the 3 jobs, writing the paper, counting the days till spring and eating like crap.

It seems that when I'm under stress I throw caution to the wind and eat myself silly. It's the crunch factor. Some people bite their nails. Some people crack their knuckles. Some people grind their jaws.

I don't grind my jaws - but I do move them up and down with something inevitably stuck between them. When I'm stressed....don't give me cake. Don't give me ice cream. I need something crunchy that I can chew on to make me feel better. Like peanut m&ms.

Dang those peanut m&ms! Last weekend my sisters, sister in law, daughters and nieces came over for a Girl's night. Everyone brought a snack. ARGHH! And didn't someone bring a big -we're talking GINORMOUS (that's a word now!) bag of peanut m&ms. And didn't they NOT take it back home with them. And haven't they been calling my name all week long and aren't I almost through the bag?

Gheesh.

I feel like a manatee.

I've slipped into the what does it matter syndrome. You know, where you're tempted to eat something and you weigh the cost and decide what does it matter? Not the whole weight loss thing in general, but the part that figures what does a few hundred calories matter anyway.

But darn if they don't! I started thinking yesterday about all the things I shove into my mouth that I think don't really matter and then looked at my butt and decided that YES.. They DO matter.

Sometimes I think we stick our heads in the sand and convince ourselves that cutting out a bit here and there isn't going to make a dent. It's do or die. As in deprive ourselves of something big and we've hit pay dirt. Pass up on the handful of m&ms and it's no big deal. As in might as well eat them because I certainly won't lose any more even if I don't...

But then I looked at my butt again and realized that it IS a big deal. (In my case...a very big deal.)

I could sit here now and pontificate about how I've had this great revelation and that from henceforth things will be different. But I'm pretty sure I've done that before. This is no great epiphany here for me.

I just figured it would be better to pound away at the keyboard and not the bag of m&ms in the next room calling my name.

Thank You My Wonderful Blog Buddies!

Thank you, thank you, thank you! All of your warm thoughts and promises to pray were so touching (some even from people I've never "met" yet) meant more to me than you could ever know!

Bridgette is hanging in there. She's a strong girl and has a positive attitude. Even though her prognosis is very serious, we're hoping for the best. Thankfully the chemo has not made her as sick as they thought it would (yet) so we're counting that as a blessing.

I had the dreaded colonoscopy Monday. Wasn't able to eat for 35 hours and actually learned that I can live (gasp) without food and not go berserk. The prep part was not so much fun. The stuff I had to drink was the worst and by the end of the 2 hours (I had to drink 8 oz every 15 minutes) I was gagging it down.

I got to the Doctor's at 2:30 and she was "behind" schedule (pardon the pun) so I sat there apprehensively until 4:45 waiting for my turn. When I was finally admitted they started an IV and assured me that I would be in la-la land though out the whole procedure. They said most people fall asleep but for those that don't - there is an amnesiac effect from the drug that causes them not to remember a thing. Yeah right.

I was awake the whole time and pretty much remember everything. I watched my colon on a TV screen and though I wasn't all nervous...there were two times that I yelled out "Ouch". I think they looked at my height (I'm only 5'4") and not my weight when they determined the amount of drug they'd give me.

I'm not trying to scare anyone from having the procedure. I wouldn't be afraid to do it again...but I sure wish I'd slept through out it like they said I would! Thankfully everything was fine and I don't need another one for a long time! (I was really worried because my younger sister had a malignant polyp removed 2 years ago and my even younger sister had several pre-cancerous ones removed also.) I didn't have any. Guess I got the good colon. (Both sisters are fine by the way...)

But if you're at that age where you should have colonoscopy - do it. Colon cancer is a silent killer and so very preventable! (I'd rather have a colonoscopy than go to the dentist if that makes you feel better....and I haven't had a cavity in 24 years...)

Youngest daughter is coming in from Massachusetts Thursday and we're having a "girls night" here Friday with my sisters, daughters and nieces. I tried to find something for hubby to do that night but couldn't so he'll be here too. Should be interesting.

Right now I need to get the house cleaned (and pray hubby keeps it that way while I'm gone from today till Friday at my overnight job.)

Thanks again - to ALL of you for your kind comments regarding Bridget. You guys are the best!